158 Days

“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven’t touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”

– Craig Ferguson

Maybe I should keep counting? That should be inspiring, right? I should be really proud of that number, but instead, I’m heaving the weight of what feels like the entire world on my shoulders.

I had a drug and alcohol assessment today, and I am beginning an outpatient treatment program tomorrow. Even though I want to do all that I can to prove that I am determined to not make the same mistake again, I was hesitant to do this. It’s so time intensive, wah wah wah.  It is for almost two months, and will take up three hours of my mornings four days out of the week. I will also have to attend AA at least three times a week.  With my work schedule, this will make for very full days. And will steal time from me during my favorite season, when I love to hike with my dog in the mornings before work. But it is better than the alternative. And should provide some blog fodder!

I really identify with the above quote. It does a hell of a job describing the madness that is alcohol dependence. I have lots of nagging thoughts in my head such as, sometimes I can have a couple and I’m fine! How will I survive a first date without a drink or two? Will I be able to drink again in a few years? It’s downright ludicrous to have these feelings. Alcohol has cost me so much money this year, I’m a walking miracle from my car crash, I have an arm full of metal…and yet it is still tempting. Not in a way that I struggle when I see people drink. It hasn’t been too bad. I’ve never had major withdrawal symptoms other than nasty hangovers (i.e. hallucinations), but still, that possibility still flits in the back of my mind like an annoying fly that you cannot kill. One drink, what’s the harm? Alcohol is a mindfuck for those who have no control over it. That’s the best way I can describe it. And like Mr. Ferguson said, thinking like that is insane. So now I’m at war with that little voice in my head. That voice is a bastard that needs to shut the hell up. Really, enough.

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