159 Days

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

I’m not ready to call myself an alcoholic or an addict. My brother and I had lunch on Saturday, and I was catching him up on my life, that I attended my driver’s intervention program a few weeks back, that it was really positive, and that they recommended that I have a drug and alcohol assessment, that I wasn’t surprised by this since I attended the program voluntarily, knowing that I have a drinking problem. When I told him about the assessment he said, “But you’re not an alcoholic”.  He was the last person to see me the night of my car crash. He asked me if I was okay to drive then, and of course I was vehement in my response that YES, I AM FINE. DUH. Famous last words. That I don’t even remember saying. But I digress. Today was my first day in my treatment program. The first question my counselor asked me was if I considered myself an alcoholic or an addict.

(hesitation on my part)

Counselor: “Okay, so you’re not there yet”.

Me: Sigh.

I’m hellbent on getting better, on staying sober, but I’m not yet ready to label myself an alcoholic.

That being said, my first day of treatment was a little difficult. The program aligns with AA, and the whole higher power and religious aspect of AA makes me uncomfortable. I’m not an atheist, I like to think there’s something out there, but I just don’t know what it is. So everyone saying the Serenity Prayer together twice over the course of three hours was unsettling to me. This is going to be a long couple of months. Obviously I’m going to do what I have to do here, but I’m looking forward to dealing with my recovery without group prayer. No offense to those who take comfort in those things…it’s just not me.

I got my Big Book today as well, and I need to figure out where/when I will attend AA meetings over the weekend. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time…


3 thoughts on “159 Days

  1. No worries, sober and awkward, you are not the only one with God issues. I learned the prayers in rehab….so I looked like I fit in when I got there. I still have God issues. Find a group and take what will help and leave what won’t. The higher power/ God dealio will be dealt with when it needs to. All you need is a desire to stay sober to be at AA…that is all. No need to label yourself. Congrats on 159!

  2. Congrats on 159 days (well 163 as of this writing). You need not worry about getting hung up on the God thing – what you said about thinking that there is something out there, and not sure what it is – that alone is good enough. I am not religious at all, but I have a spiritual path that keeps me where I need to be. What G2BG said above is right – this Higher Power thing will come when it needs to come up. Just hit the meetings and start hearing other people’s stories, get to know about the message they carry, and take it in. Nothing else is required except an open mind 🙂


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