Wow, this weekend just obliterated me emotionally. It was excruciating, but I battled through it. I took a mental health day from work on Monday, and my mother drove down here and we had lunch. Much needed! It doesn’t matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom. We talked about a lot of personal stuff, and it felt so good to get so much off my chest. I’ve noticed that the longer I am sober, the easier it is for me to talk about difficult subjects. I used to have to be at least buzzed before attempting a difficult conversation. It’s good to see growth from my sobriety especially during my rough moments!
Yesterday, I met up with my sponsor for breakfast before hitting up a women’s big book study meeting. I was honest about my recent struggles, and I told her that I really needed some sponsor butt kicking. We talked for several hours, and it was also much needed. I hate talking on the phone, but agreed to call her at least twice a week. We discussed how I need to start working the steps (yeah, I’m not there yet), and I confided in her that I have difficulty with the spiritual aspect of AA. I know I need to just step out of my comfort zone to embrace my Higher Power. Change is hard, and the past 289 days have been rife with change. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
We went to the meeting after breakfast. She’s been there before, but this was my first time. I recognized a few ladies from other meetings including one who has really reached out to me from my home group. She ran over and gave me a huge hug when she saw me. This was only the second big book meeting I’ve been to since I started AA in October (most of my meetings are leads or discussions – I need to branch out). We were told to turn to page 452 to read and discuss “Safe Haven“. I opened my book to the page, and the first word I saw was “prison”. During breakfast my sponsor and I discussed how I may go to prison, and while the thought is terrifying for me, I am keeping an open mind. I cannot fear something that has not happened yet, I can only focus on making today the best it can be.
I turned to my sponsor, pointed at the word prison and said, “Wow, ironic!”
She smiled and said, “No it’s not, you were meant to be here today”.
Holy goosebumps, Batman! Time to fully embrace my Higher Power…