Winter is making me lazy. Winter is making me avoid going to AA.
Okay, winter is making me lazy. I haaaaaaaate winter.
Last night I told myself that I would go to two meetings in a row this morning before I head into work. When I woke up this morning to more snow, it took all of two seconds for me to talk myself out of going at all. Granted, the roads were bad going into work, but these meetings are close to home and I could have dealt with it. But instead, I choose to be lazy, and snuggle with a cat while drinking my morning coffee. Did a few things around the house.
I’ve been going to my home group meeting faithfully on Saturday mornings, though I did recently miss three in a row (I had to meet my lawyer to talk about my case one Saturday, the next was the day after losing my greyhound and I was a mess, and the Saturday after that it was a blizzard – really). So I’ve been to my closed women’s group (my home group) the past two Saturdays, and it’s good to be back. Even though I’m still shy and I haven’t opened up fully, I always leave there feeling lifted and wonderful. But other than that, I’ve been avoiding going to other meetings.
I should be going to at least three a week, but I have a hard time leaving the house when it’s cold and snowy out. And it’s been a cold and snowy winter. I still have all my meetings documented, so I have a record of going for court purposes. This morning I was guilt-tripping myself about missing the meetings, when I began to think about how these missed meetings would affect my case in court. I doubt that a judge is going to send me to prison based on me only going to one meeting a week, instead of three. “Well, I was going to just give her a couple days in jail and community service, but I see that over January and February she started getting lazy with AA. Because of that, this girl with zero priors is going to do hard time, dammit!”
Yeah, I’m weird. And terrified of my future. And a bit depressed.
Friday morning, my boyfriend and I took our 12 year old cat to our vet to be euthanized due to inoperable cancer. This is three weeks to the day of having our vet come to our house to euthanize our dog. It’s been a rough 2014 thus far. The sun was so bright, but it was 5 below that morning. I’ve had a hard time processing the situation with our cat, because my heart is still so broken over my girl. After our kitty was gone and we came home, I put myself to bed. I just didn’t have the drive to do anything but read, be warm under the covers, and sleep.
But I made it to my home group meeting yesterday, and I was so glad that I went. I keep telling myself that I need to do more, but right now, I just feel like burying my head in the sand until spring…