287 Days

I’ve been really struggling since Thursday night. It’s personal, and even though this is anonymous I can’t really go into the details here. I feel like everything good keeps getting taken away from me, and I can’t take much else. This is just horrible. The emotional pain is so intense that I cannot eat or sleep. Ironic, as I’ve always been an emotional eater. I want to disappear. I’ve been thinking about alcohol constantly, even though I know I can’t flush nine months down the toilet. I know it will make things worse, but it will temporarily numb this pain.The pain is keeping me from functioning in a general sense, so why not just kill it? Be completely incapacitated?

Have any of you ever had to dump a sponsor? I was worried that her plate was too full to take me on, but knowing that I am (usually) laid back, we thought it would work out. I haven’t seen her since December though, and I don’t talk to her that often. I haven’t even reached out to her this weekend.

I need to breathe.



***Edited to add that I am now feeling a smidge better. Had a good cry with my best friend. Talked to my sponsor, made plans for Tuesday. Calling off sick and taking a mental health day tomorrow. Still trying to breathe my way through this.


8 thoughts on “287 Days

  1. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. Sometimes a trusted shoulder and a good cry is what you need. Don’t worry, it it normal to feel alone every now and then. Honour the feelings and ride them out and they will be easier to let go of and move past.
    In terms of letting go of a sponsor. People come into your life when you need them and leave when it is time. No matter how afraid of change I am and feel like I’m losing my footing, I try to see letting go of a close friend as a sign that I’m meant to stand on my own for a while. Perhaps you are right about your sponsor not being in such a giving space right now, which is ok too.
    You will be alright, we are all alot stronger than we think. Hugs.

    (I wrote about letting go of close ones here. It might help. http://shadowashspiritflame.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/toxicity/ )


  2. Hi… I just saw your post and read the edit too. Also glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. What I’ve found as I move through recovery is that as hard as it is to let go of certain people and relationships at the time, it is often for the best. The context of the relationship isn’t the important part, what is important is that when it isn’t supporting your recovery and sustained sobriety it’s so much better to be done with it. It’ll hurt at first, but in the long run you’ll be so much better off for it. Learning to do what’s best for us is difficult, but such an essential part of recovery! And 287 days is such a wonderful achievement… I cannot speak for dumping a sponsor as I have never really taken to twelve step personally, but there are other ways of reaching out. I recommend the online community http://www.womenforsobriety,org as they offer a wonderful, supportive network too (I’m not saying move away from your present support structure or mutual-help group, but this could be something else to look at). Thinking of you and please feel free to reach out to me if you are wanting someone to talk to.

    • SS, thank you so much for your kind and understanding words and for the link. I wasn’t familiar with that group and I will definitely check it out! I’m taking today off from work as a mental health day. Having lunch with my mom. And I finally slept last night! Moving through the pain. It is so hard to let people go. I keep think that they were there when I really needed it last year during early sobriety. And now…I need to know that I am strong enough, that I don’t need to rely on this person anymore.

      • Be gentle and kind to yourself, you will find your inner peace and power as the journey progresses. Mental health days are a given and you deserve them. “Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how faith in how far you can go”. All the best to you. Also have a look at my FB page (www.facebook.com/SoberSomething) – there are lots of great links, etc. And this is not shameless self-promotion, rather what I am moving towards as a Recovery Coach and I’ feel good knowing that there was something there that might resonate with you. All the best.

      • I’ve always been my own worst enemy. Too hard on myself, and I’m an over thinker. Ugh! But I do have a lot to be proud of. Nine months! Never thought I could do this. Will check out your page! 🙂

  3. Good luck and stay strong. I have these same difficult and nagging feelings! I was about to log off when I noticed your username and laughed outloud:) So in a weird way, you actually lightened up my day!

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