312 Days

312 Days

So the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee is on my ass this week. I’m letting my thoughts and insecurities get the best of me, and I’ve been pretty down the past couple days. I’m looking forward to seeing my counselor tomorrow, as I have a few things on my mind that I need to discuss with her.

One of the reasons I drank was to quiet the voice in my head that told me that I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. With a drink or two (or ten), I could relax my body and my mind. Now I’m just…naked and exposed. Sober and awkward! Feelings coming out all over the place. I’m talking about them more, and I am seeing progress. However, I’ve always lacked self-confidence and I am really struggling with that and learning to really love and accept myself.

I’ve begun meditating, and I am picking up on my exercise again. Sometimes I feel like I am spending so much time fixing/improving myself that I’m not really getting out there and living! Does that make sense? Obviously this is all something I need to figure out on my own, but if any of you have some guidance to give, it would be greatly appreciated.

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9 thoughts on “312 Days

  1. This is so relevant to me today- I was just discussing with my therapist how sometimes it feels like I put so much time into recovery and introversion it’s sometimes to the exclusion of everything else. I’m starting to think of it as a see-saw that needs balancing. I put so much weight on one side when I was drinking, I’m having to put a lot on the other side now to eventually find balance… Hope things start to feel easier as you approAch the big 365! πŸ™‚

  2. Maybe it’s the weather, I dunno. I’ve been noticing that I’ve been thinking a lot more about wishing I could just numb myself.

    I’m glad you have a therapist. Even if the therapist isn’t saying much, it’s always good to have someone to lay your brain in in real life who isn’t judging you.

    Spring is on its way!!

  3. I still struggle with self confidence. One thing I was told was- there is a reason why it is called self confidence….you have to gain it yourself by doing things that will help gain it. Conquer a fear, do something for yourself that you would not normally do, try something different. I was also told is other people don’t think about me as much as I think they do. Like anything else…it takes time. Maybe getting out there and living is exactly what you need to gain the confidence. Stay strong!

  4. I am only 13 days sober and I have to say I really like your blog. I identify to your blog. Your words have helped me. It seems that these past two weeks I have been in such a hurry to get better because I do not want to languish in this pain especially without the aid of alcohol. I am realizing that sober I am forced to look at all this deep seated stuff I have masked with alcohol. Just like you were saying, after 3 glasses it all faded. My insecurities run so deep I am wondering if there is a bottom to it? But one thing I have been doing that seems to help build me up is keeping my word. I made so many promises to people, even little things like “yes, I’ll go for a walk with you tonight.” then last minuet I would cancel because I was still too hungover. Now I keep my word on EVERYTHING. It feels good to follow through. Next I have to learn to stop making promises or saying I’ll do something, when I know I really can’t or do not really want to. Ugh, all the learning and re-learning. It can be exhausting!

    • Thank you for your kind words! And congrats on 13 days! It sounds like you’ve got a good start going. It’s taken me so much longer to recognize and deal with the emotional stuff that we swallowed down with alcohol! πŸ™‚ It’s hard, but it’s so worth it. πŸ™‚

  5. Man, I’m not sober, but I was for 6 months, and I gotta say, the biggest thing that I got from it all is that the world that we live in is based on bullshit appearances. We are tricked by media, advertising, our friends, our culture, to want to appear a way that is completely impossible to acheive. and the thing is, no one is the way the media portrays them.. superstars, casanovas, madonnas, they are all very flawed, if not superficially, they definitely have huge problems. You are 1000 steps ahead of everyone because you are in touch with yourself and your own flaws…. Everyone else has the same flaws as you but they live in a dream world that allows them to disillusion themselves. The mere fact that you see yourself as you really are says wonders about yourself. What I would recommend is you take a lot at the people you compare yourself to, or the things that give you problems with self confidence… you will soon find that these are inherent in everyone, that these things are bestowed on us by our culture. if you have the resources and the will to maintain sobriety, you definitely have the intelligence to make this connection…. the idea of self confidence that is portrayed to us doesn’t exist, and if it doesn’t it exists in an intoxicated dream state that only happens in peoples skewed inebrieated perspective…. or atleast thats what I think. cheers on your sobriety. I wish I could pull it off but something hard to do when you give up habit and routine..

  6. I feel the same way this week. You are not alone. I have a little trick that seems to help a little bit when I feel overwhelmed…that voice saying not successful enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not pretty enough, going to California in a month and feeling frumpy/unmarried/sober…and awkward too! Lol. I just start counting my blessings. I hope you are feeling better today Soberandawkward. πŸ™‚ ~OTS

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