355 Days

Remember that we deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful!”

The above quote has been swirling through my head all day. It’s helping me to make sense of what is happening, with what I have done, with my consequences. Today I pled guilty to a felony in court. It was part of a plea offer, but still, I pled guilty to a felony in court.

Me.

I did that.

This is my life.

And then the quote from the Big Book runs through my head again and again…

This was never going to happen to me. I’ve always been the quiet shy one with my head in a book (unless booze was involved, of course). I love school and learning. I was the first person in my immediate family to go to college. Not only that, but I have a Master’s. I am the type of person who would never eat a stray grape in a grocery store. Wouldn’t the flashing lights come on? ISN’T THAT STEALING?

Silly, I know, but that’s how I think. Okay, I’ve got a bit of a wild, rebellious streak in me, but I’m a good person. And good people aren’t criminals, right? Wrong. What I am trying to convey is that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Granted, I was not in my right mind when I committed a crime. Sober me would never be so reckless, thoughtless, careless. Sober me has swerved on country roads to avoid running over snakes. Other animals too, of course, but I’m trying to make a point. That person who hurt another person almost one year ago was not the real me.

Remember that we deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful!”

Give me a couple days, and I hope to be back to feeling good and kicking life’s ass. But right now I am scared again. Rough week, plus my car died on the freeway yesterday (great timing) followed by this today. Life will not give me more than I can deal with, but it does a good job of knocking the wind out of me from time to time.

I am grateful to be sober another day. I am grateful to have so many wonderful family, friends and coworkers who have flooded me with texts and phone calls today to see how things went and how I am doing (even though I’m wiped out, totally overwhelmed, and haven’t responded to everyone yet). I am grateful for being able to borrow a car from my father while I decide if my current car is worth putting more money into. I am grateful for you all here, for reading the words of a stranger and offering support and encouragement. I am grateful to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight. My sentencing is June 9th. One more month of freedom for a while. Very grateful for that right now.

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8 thoughts on “355 Days

  1. Oh I know that feeling – mentally and emotionally wiped out. My thoughts are with you. I have felt that weight of knowing my sentencing is coming up. Ugh.

    Since you pleaded out, do you know what is coming next (you mentioned six months – did that change?)

    Love your attitude 🙂

    • It’s up to the judge of course, but I am anticipating the full six months. Right now, I’m on pins and needles about my job. Ugh. One day at a time, one day at a time…:)

  2. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through right now, but I see a person with an incredible strength, I see an honest and humble person, and especially I admire the strength you show by sharing your journey with us. It takes a lot of courage to do that. You have an admirable attitude to life. I’m your fan.

  3. You’ve had a helluva year and come through it better than you went in…much better. You’re strong. You’re resilient. Most important…you’re sober. You’ll face this head on and tackle the way you seem to tackle everything. You’ll take that winning attitude and, if the worst happens, turn that six months into the best experience of your life. They’ll be begging you to stay because they won’t think they can go one day without you in their lives.

    However…I don’t think you’ll get much jail time if any. I’m thinking a suspended sentence and parole. It won’t change the felony conviction but it will let you keep your job and your freedom.

    You’re a rockstar…don’t forget that.

    Sherry

    • Sherry,

      You just made me cry. At my desk. At work. 🙂

      I went on a hike with a friend this morning before work, and we were talking about how I was going to kick jail’s ass. I gotta say…this new me is surprising the hell out of me. Sobriety is amazing. Old me would have used my sentence as an excuse to drink more, to stay angry and be depressed all the time. To hold on to resentment. And now…life is still scary and hard, but I feel so much lighter. I can process news like this and move on. It’s a beautiful thing! Thank you as always for your kind words.

      KC

  4. You really are amazing. I don’t know anyone who has gone through what you are who has stayed as positive as you. The fact that you take responsibility for your actions, even though they were drunk actions is commendable.

    I know you’ve heard that everything happens for a reason, yada yada, but this has truly made you so much stronger.

    You’re my new sober hero.

    • Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. Never in a million years would I think I could be so positive and have such clarity into my life. The power of sobriety, my friend! xoxo

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