Weak Spots

As most of you know, this past year has been a constant transition period followed by transition period followed by transition period. I am currently adjusting to my new life on my own, a new job, and another (partial) loss of freedom by being unable to drive. The past four weeks have been another “Look Ma, no hands!” rollercoaster ride emotionally. With change comes anxiety, vulnerability, depression and moments of weakness.

Life would be so much easier without Facebook, wouldn’t it? I wish I could sever the ties completely, but I can’t. Being incarcerated was both a blessing and a curse when it came to human contact. I was no longer a slave to my phone and to social media, but it was harder to get a hold of people via letters and expensive phone calls. There were so many periods where I was so depressed that I couldn’t write letters. And then I felt guilty for friends spending exorbitant amounts of money for 15 minute phone calls just so I could rant or cry to them. Towards the end, phone calls and visits were too much. I went through with them, but it seemed better to isolate myself completely. Hearing a voice over the phone or seeing a face through a glass window left me despondent and missing them more. It was painful.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Facebook. Sigh.

Last night on Facebook, there were some photos of a few people that I love dearly. They were sitting on barstools at my old hangout, pints in hand, with big smiles. I had an overwhelming urge to be sitting there next to them, drinking away my anxieties, feeling that warmth and instant happy wash over me. To have effortless conversation, to not feel like the shy awkward one, to be with my friends in that setting again.

I was jealous. Jealous that I couldn’t be there, jealous of their fun, jealous that for most of them, they can go out and remember what they did the next day. It was a really shitty feeling.

Friends, I know what I need to do, but I also needed to vent with people who understand. Thanks for being here with me.

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11 thoughts on “Weak Spots

  1. Funny how Facebook can give a person so many emotions. One day, i get pissed off on there and the next I’m excited to see that an old friend had a baby. You are in a better place not sitting on a bar stool next to those friends:) I’ve been spending any free time on here instead of FB for that very reason. Stay strong! You’re awesome, you’re worth sobriety and you can do it!

  2. Last night I dreamed I was at a convenient store and last second grabbed a 12 pack out of complete control. I went to the Houston livestock show and rodeo Tuesday night and everyone around me had beer. Everywhere I saw signs “Peanuts! They taste better with beer.” They sure do! Then I got angry, thinking they shouldn’t be allowed to put signs up like that to lure people into drinking. Then I had to remind myself that not everybody has issues with drinking responsibly. Lots of memories of the rodeo came back, but no specific moments, because, as I’ve reminded myself many times, I have no recollection of most every concert following the rodeo for the past 20 years of attending. I drank myself to oblivion every time. I’ve seen big stars and have no memories. So, yeah, I’m jealous too. Very jealous of those that are still out there having “fun.” But then morning comes and I’m so thankful I feel good, don’t have to wonder what I did or said and I feel no guilt. It’s wonderful. I hate thinking about it all the time, knowing the thought of alcohol doesn’t occupy most people’s minds near as much as it does mine. But, I know I’m a better person. I feel more comfortable making friends with people because I don’t have anything to hide. I am okay. I’m going to be just fine.

    And so are you. Give it time and make sure any depression you’re experiencing gets treated.

  3. I gave up FB for Lent and I’m surprised at how little I really miss it. I’m considering deleting my account altogether, because its so freeing not comparing myself to others (because for me, that’s what Facebook is for). Hugs to you – you’re so much better off, sober and present and lovely. Xo

  4. Oh I have sooooooo been there!!! In fact, I still go there from time to time. I’m not a jealous or envious person but damn if seeing my friends drinking doesn’t do it to me still from time to time.

    What I have now is just more sober time which means more good times behind me then there would have ever been had I kept drinking. That’s what really helps me keep things in perspective when that green-eyed monster strikes.

    You’re not alone. We understand and, as they say in AA, this too shall pass.

    So proud to know you girl. Stay strong.

    Sherry

  5. Next Tuesday I am 3 years sober. Next Saturday is my wife’s birthday. There is a joint party organised which is taking place at my favourite pub and all my friends will be there drinking until they fall over. Feeling jealous and envious of my buddies as they slam another shot down is just not something I feel anymore. They will have the same conversation with me 3 times and not know it. They will dance like they are 20 when they are 40 and think they have all the moves, Their wallets will be empty, They will have to arrange to get their cars in the morning, They will feel terrible and they will waste a Sunday laying on the couch. For me though I will have looked after myself and my sobriety and my happiness and my sanity and be able to enjoy the day with my kids. Look at the pictures remember the times but don’t forget what those times led to. Stay strong stay clean it gets easier

  6. OMG I deleted my fb for this reason and others. I realized I was feeling jealous of other people’s lives and I knew it was ridiculous but there I was being all jealous about a life that wasn’t mine that I was desperately wishing I could have. I know in reality they probably have shitty days too and problems and pain and whatever. I just couldn’t shake it though and finally deleted it. I purposely write notes to a few dear friends now and mail them. I don’t do it very often and many times it’s a short note in a little card. It’s the way it has to be for now. I am much better off without fb.

    I do have one friend who deleted her fb and then signed up again several months later and only friended the handful of people she absolutely had to have contact with via fb. Like me, she couldn’t unfriend all those other people without hurting feelings so she deleted it.

  7. I feel you on the driving front. It’s been over a year and I still have TWO more years of prohibition. sucks. But hey, that’s the price I pay for drinking and driving in blackout with my son in the back. Could have been worse, eh?

    FB? never been. I am on Twitter and that can be addictive! I have had to take breaks from it, but I think I tow a pretty good line these days with healthy interaction and not getting into resentments, etc. like I used to.

    I hope you are doing well – I was thinking about you the other day.

    Blessings
    Paul

  8. I deactivated my Facebook over a year ago. While I sometimes think about reactivating it, my life seems better without it. Facebook seems designed to provoke these kinds of comparisons because it’s formatted for people to showcase idealized versions of their lives. No one’s life is really what it appears to be on Facebook, but it’s easy to forget this. I’ll sometimes miss the odd invite or update from someone I don’t even keep in touch with anymore, but not having Facebook has freed up a great deal of time and energy for me to pursue creative pursuits and relationships I actually care about it. Also, as an alcoholic, I have bad impulse control around certain things, and Facebook was definitely one of them. I couldn’t just check it casually every once and a while, no matter how hard I tried!

  9. I’ve deleted my personal facebook for 2 years now. It’s only been benefical to me. I can’t think of a single thing that looking at my friends drink on facebook would do to make my life better. Write up a status, send a message to all you friends, let them know you are deleting it, and use email to communicate. it’s much more authentic, and appreciated. No one will miss you on facebook, I know that because no one remembers my birthday anymore– facebook is not the real world, it’s just a very engaging video game that is partially related to your real life.

    and the whole “not being free” because you don’t have a car? that’s crazy. You have so much more money, and if you want, you can move around much more easily. If you have a job that you live far away from move closer. Not having a car has allowed me to travel around the world. It may not be your thing, but the money and time that you save by not owning a car is truly a blessing. It may take a while to get used to that idea, but I’m so happy I don’t have a car- it’s a burden.

    anyway,

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