Adventures of Anxiety Girl!

anxiety-girl

 

My depression and anxiety are a million times better in sobriety, but sometimes they still get the best of me. The past week has been a rough one, and I’m fighting these feelings instead of turning my worries and problems over to my Higher Power. Two years ago when I was working with my sponsor E., she would always tell me to put down the boxing gloves.

Me: (overwhelmed. struggling. flailing!)

E: KC, quit fighting yourself. PUT DOWN THE BOXING GLOVES. Turn it over!

Me: But I’ve been fighting myself my entire life! THIS IS WHAT I DO.

E: And where has that gotten you?

Me: Le sigh…okay, fine. (prays, asks for help and acceptance.)

Two days later…

Me: Hey, E! I feel so much better. Why didn’t I turn my problems over sooner?

E: Told you so! That’s why I’m the sponsor and you are the sponsee. (wink, wink)

I’m struggling with a few things that I’d previously had a handle on. But as time moved on and life didn’t move in the direction I had hoped it would by my time frame, I’ve gotten angsty. Frustrated. Completely bummed out. Last fall I kept thinking, okay. This is going to happen when it is supposed to happen. In God’s time! It’s going to work out when it is supposed to. But I’ve gradually lost faith of it happening because it hasn’t happened yet. Looking back on my life post-car accident, I’ve been able to see that everything has happened when the timing was right.People, places and things worked out when they needed to. When I kept doing what I needed to in the program, when I stayed in the middle of the bed (so to speak), the magic happened.

Note to self: pray, turn it over, help another alcoholic, have faith. You’re gonna be fine!

An unrelated source of anxiety is my probation. It officially ends on June 9. I’ve lived in perpetual fear since being released from jail that I would make one wrong move and/or forget to do something, and I’d be immediately booted to prison. Since moving back to Akron and getting my probation transferred to a much bigger county with more crime, I am small potatoes here. Instead of seeing my PO each month, I go to the police station downtown and check in to a kiosk. I’ve only had to see my PO when I moved down here, and when I’ve needed to fill out paperwork that grants me permission to travel out of state.

Despite marking each month’s probation check in multiples time on my Google Calendar, in the past couple years I have woken up several times in the middle of the night, sweating profusely, heart racing, thinking that I missed my check in day. And being terrified of getting shipped to prison. Even jaywalking terrified me for a while! My judge is no joke, and I know that if I even sneezed wrong around that guy, he’d want to ship me out. I promise that I am not overreacting. My anxiety of jaywalking is, however his seriousness is not.

I had to check in yesterday, but the doors were locked. Government offices were closed for President’s Day. I immediately emailed my PO, and told her that the doors were locked, I didn’t see anyone, and that I hope it was okay if I would check in today. My anxiety rose on the bus this morning as I neared the police station (which is conveniently located where I exit the bus every day to walk to work). Worse Case Scenario Girl imagined me checking in, then promptly getting handcuffed and carried out when a buzzer went off. SHE DIDN’T CHECK IN WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED. SHE FINALLY FUCKED UP!

My PO told me once that if I was unable to check in on a certain date, to let her know ahead of time. Well, I wasn’t anticipating not being able to check in yesterday but at least I notified her ASAP. Tomorrow I will see her to get some work travel cleared, but I’m still freaked out. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about. I’m not a threat to the system in this county. She likes me.But I will still be on edge until I am done talking to her tomorrow. Until then, I know that I need to pray and turn it over. And calm the fuck down! (wink, wink).

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5 thoughts on “Adventures of Anxiety Girl!

  1. Oh my! Yes, I’m positive it will all be just fine, but I understand your anxieties just the same. You weren’t expecting the harsh sentence and when that happened, it probably seems to you anything can. But it won’t. If you missed it because you were drunk and couldn’t find the police station…well…maybe then. You’ve done great. But anxiety is relentless. Nobody without it will ever know. I believe that it’s 90% of the cause of most alcoholism, although I’ve never done any research. I think of alcohol on a near daily basis just because I want to chill the hell out. But it’s kind of interesting learning to deal with issues in the right way also. I have grown SO MUCH STRONGER! Let us know when you finally get to exhale after talking to your PO. Hope you get rest tonight. It’s all 👌 okay!

    • I’ve definitely had moments where I was almost jealous that I could no longer shut out the world or all the crap like I could when I was drinking. Silence all the noise! But at least now I have this program which shows me how to live, because before I was clueless.

      All went well today! She even laughed when I told her about my anxieties. We had a good chat, and I feel a lot better about it all. Almost done with probation for good!!!

  2. Oh I feel this, K. I had probation for 18 months and I know that feeling of being anxious in missing a check in. I had 3 PO’s – they kept moving me about. But they all loved me. I was a rarity. One of them read my blog. They said it was unusual to have someone not only stop drinking like that, but to actually be living a positive life. They eventually moved me to once every 6 weeks. And most of those check ins were us just talking about stuff – her boyfriend, food, travel, etc. As “fun” as that was, I was so glad when I didn’t have to go any more.

    Glad it turned out, and it will be over before you know it.

    Paul

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