Adventures of Anxiety Girl!

anxiety-girl

 

My depression and anxiety are a million times better in sobriety, but sometimes they still get the best of me. The past week has been a rough one, and I’m fighting these feelings instead of turning my worries and problems over to my Higher Power. Two years ago when I was working with my sponsor E., she would always tell me to put down the boxing gloves.

Me: (overwhelmed. struggling. flailing!)

E: KC, quit fighting yourself. PUT DOWN THE BOXING GLOVES. Turn it over!

Me: But I’ve been fighting myself my entire life! THIS IS WHAT I DO.

E: And where has that gotten you?

Me: Le sigh…okay, fine. (prays, asks for help and acceptance.)

Two days later…

Me: Hey, E! I feel so much better. Why didn’t I turn my problems over sooner?

E: Told you so! That’s why I’m the sponsor and you are the sponsee. (wink, wink)

I’m struggling with a few things that I’d previously had a handle on. But as time moved on and life didn’t move in the direction I had hoped it would by my time frame, I’ve gotten angsty. Frustrated. Completely bummed out. Last fall I kept thinking, okay. This is going to happen when it is supposed to happen. In God’s time! It’s going to work out when it is supposed to. But I’ve gradually lost faith of it happening because it hasn’t happened yet. Looking back on my life post-car accident, I’ve been able to see that everything has happened when the timing was right.People, places and things worked out when they needed to. When I kept doing what I needed to in the program, when I stayed in the middle of the bed (so to speak), the magic happened.

Note to self: pray, turn it over, help another alcoholic, have faith. You’re gonna be fine!

An unrelated source of anxiety is my probation. It officially ends on June 9. I’ve lived in perpetual fear since being released from jail that I would make one wrong move and/or forget to do something, and I’d be immediately booted to prison. Since moving back to Akron and getting my probation transferred to a much bigger county with more crime, I am small potatoes here. Instead of seeing my PO each month, I go to the police station downtown and check in to a kiosk. I’ve only had to see my PO when I moved down here, and when I’ve needed to fill out paperwork that grants me permission to travel out of state.

Despite marking each month’s probation check in multiples time on my Google Calendar, in the past couple years I have woken up several times in the middle of the night, sweating profusely, heart racing, thinking that I missed my check in day. And being terrified of getting shipped to prison. Even jaywalking terrified me for a while! My judge is no joke, and I know that if I even sneezed wrong around that guy, he’d want to ship me out. I promise that I am not overreacting. My anxiety of jaywalking is, however his seriousness is not.

I had to check in yesterday, but the doors were locked. Government offices were closed for President’s Day. I immediately emailed my PO, and told her that the doors were locked, I didn’t see anyone, and that I hope it was okay if I would check in today. My anxiety rose on the bus this morning as I neared the police station (which is conveniently located where I exit the bus every day to walk to work). Worse Case Scenario Girl imagined me checking in, then promptly getting handcuffed and carried out when a buzzer went off. SHE DIDN’T CHECK IN WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED. SHE FINALLY FUCKED UP!

My PO told me once that if I was unable to check in on a certain date, to let her know ahead of time. Well, I wasn’t anticipating not being able to check in yesterday but at least I notified her ASAP. Tomorrow I will see her to get some work travel cleared, but I’m still freaked out. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about. I’m not a threat to the system in this county. She likes me.But I will still be on edge until I am done talking to her tomorrow. Until then, I know that I need to pray and turn it over. And calm the fuck down! (wink, wink).

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290 Days

Wow, this weekend just obliterated me emotionally. It was excruciating, but I battled through it. I took a mental health day from work on Monday, and my mother drove down here and we had lunch. Much needed! It doesn’t matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom. We talked about a lot of personal stuff, and it felt so good to get so much off my chest. I’ve noticed that the longer I am sober, the easier it is for me to talk about difficult subjects. I used to have to be at least buzzed before attempting a difficult conversation. It’s good to see growth from my sobriety especially during my rough moments!

Yesterday, I met up with my sponsor for breakfast before hitting up a women’s big book study meeting. I was honest about my recent struggles, and I told her that I really needed some sponsor butt kicking. We talked for several hours, and it was also much needed. I hate talking on the phone, but agreed to call her at least twice a week. We discussed how I need to start working the steps (yeah, I’m not there yet), and I confided in her that I have difficulty with the spiritual aspect of AA. I know I need to just step out of my comfort zone to embrace my Higher Power. Change is hard, and the past 289 days have been rife with change. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.

We went to the meeting after breakfast. She’s been there before, but this was my first time. I recognized a few ladies from other meetings including one who has really reached out to me from my home group. She ran over and gave me a huge hug when she saw me. This was only the second big book meeting I’ve been to since I started AA in October (most of my meetings are leads or discussions – I need to branch out). We were told to turn to page 452 to read and discuss “Safe Haven“. I opened my book to the page, and the first word I saw was “prison”. During breakfast my sponsor and I discussed how I may go to prison, and while the thought is terrifying for me, I am keeping an open mind. I cannot fear something that has not happened yet, I can only focus on making today the best it can be.

I turned to my sponsor, pointed at the word prison and said, “Wow, ironic!”

She smiled and said, “No it’s not, you were meant to be here today”.

Holy goosebumps, Batman! Time to fully embrace my Higher Power…